1. Both are attractive in their own ways.
As we've seen from Schmidt's spinning video, we know he's no athlete. Therefore, we can't compare them as athlete-athlete. But Schmidt has a good-looking face, and all of Lochte looks good. It's a win for women everywhere.
2. Both look better now than they have in the recent past.
Curly-haired Lochte? Fat Schmidt? UGH. Glad to see they've gotten better with age.
3. Both think entirely too highly of themselves.
Remember all that Lochte hype leading up to London 2012? Two days removed from the swimming events and what do we hear now? Nothing. He's very good and better than anybody reading this. But he's no Michael Phelps, nor will he ever be. As for Schmidt? He ordered personalized condoms.
4. Both are douchebags that should simply stand and not talk.
I think if you put both men in a room and had them talk, they'd have to put so much money in the Douchebag Jar that it could fix Spain's economy.
Lochte:
Schmidt: To Cece, what he loves about India: "I love 'Slumdog.' I love naan. I love pepper. I love Ben Kingsley; the stories of Rudyard Kipling. I have respect for cows, of course. I love the Taj Mahal, Deepak Chopra, anyone named Patel. I love monsoon. I love cobras in baskets."
5. Both are good at what they do.
Lochte has 11 Olympic medals (five gold, three silver, and three bronze). Not too shabby. And Schmidt has a decent job where he survives as the only male in an estrogen-charged marketing-ish office. I couldn't survive that, so Schmidt definitely deserves some credit.
6. I'm willing to bet serious money that Lochte has White Fanged someone before.
7. Both have a unique sense of fashion.
Schmidt: Tiny kimonos! Driving moccasins! Irish walking capes! Lap dance pants! "Good" pea coats!
Lochte: Diamond grills! Bedazzled green kicks! Hip-hop/frat boy! No Jeah!
(photo source: http://static02.mediaite.com/styleite/uploads/gallery/ryan-lochte-fashion/133506449_10.jpg)
If Lochte brings us this sort of joy from London, imagine what Rio will bring!
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